Twenty-Twenty-Twenty Four Hours to Go, I Wanna Baby Piglet!*

In case you don't read wacky animal news (a.k.a. CNN), last week an abandoned runtlet was adopted by this nice dog. Doesn't he look like a baby hippo? Awww. If you're interested in seeing the cutest picture EVER, click here! If you'd prefer to keep your heart cold and dark, don't click here. 

*Seriously, I want one. Real bad. I spent the whole weekend imaging how much better my life would be with a piglet. Most scenarios involved his tiny snout peeking out from sweater pockets, kitchen cupboards and cupcake liners. I'd call him "Runtry Club" because he's small and fancy.

Ooh Baby, It's a Gene Wilder World

Eyes too close together? Check. Pointy nose? Check. Rapist's smirk? Check. It's official, Gene Wilder and Nicolas Cage are bona fide face twins!

Gummi Bears... Bouncing Here and There and Everywhere!

Does anyone remember what the Gummi Bears actually did? Besides being "dashing and daring, courageous and caring" and drinking amphetamine laced gummi-berry juice?

Sunni Gummi: Someone in the cartoon biz sure had a hard-on for Sandy Duncan because there are several doppelgangers of this perma-perkster floating around the 80s Saturday morning lineup. 

Grammi Gummi:  "Want a gummy bear? They've been in my pocket all day. They're real warm and soft..." Remember the devoted and totally spastic secretary from Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Well, Edie McClurg also played the devoted and totally spastic next-door-neighbour (alongside Miss Sandy Ducnan) in Valerie's Family. She is also the poor man's Mrs. Garrett. 

International Hair Bows Unite!

At long last, the long arm of Lady Gaga has finally reached Kashmir!

The Daughters and The Papas

Okay, who watched Oprah* today? Oooo-ey, talk about a doozy!!! Mackenzie Phillips was discussing her new book and dropped one humdinger of an info-bomb. Turns out the actress had a consensual sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips, lead singer of The Mamas and The Papas. Yup, gross. But I'm not here to pass moral judgement, just "face judgement". Soooooo, Mackenzie "I Put the Sensual in Consensual" Phillips looks a lot like Rebecca Hall in the best movie of last year, Frost/Nixon. 

*Did anyone else notice how skeptical and borderline rude Oprah was being to Mackenzie? You could tell she wanted everyone to know that lil' old Mac wasn't pulling the wool over the big O's eyes. Especially when Mac dared to compare her incest experience with the Big Cheese's!

Sartorialist: Ginger Twins Unite!

Remember Chad McCann from Who's the Boss? The alleged mega-hottie who seemed to be mentioned in every episode by Sam and Bonnie but actually only appeared in two shows (perhaps b/c the actor, Scott Grimes, wasn't exactly a "mega-hottie"... he was more like a "super-mega-hottie"!). Anyhow, he grew up and starred in Party of Five and ER and then gave birth to a twin who roams the streets of Paris looking for his maker. 

(LEFT) - Sartorialist Scott Grimes Twin    (RIGHT) - Scott Grimes

Nerd Alert!!**

Victor Garber has been one of my fave actors since Alias (best.father-figure.ever). And so I was particularly horrified to see him sporting a nerdy bowtie in the third episode of Glee*. I was even more horrified to discover that he looks a lot like uber-nerd, Arye Gross (the dude who always plays homicidal nerds and has an Olde-English-Question for a name: "Are ye gross?". He also has a Pirate-Statement for a name: "Arrrr! Ye be gross!") 

*Speaking of Glee... egad! Or should I say, 'Glee-gad' (no, you're right, I shouldn't). The pilot was one of the best I've ever seen but the quality has gone down faster than Whitney Houston on a woman (yup, she be a rumoured lesbian). In fact, her Olde English name is: Whit B. Lesbo. Her showtune name is obviously: Whit B. A. Lesbo Toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. And her Michael Jackson song is: Whit B. Startin' Something... With A Girl. 

 

**Anyone who knows me, knows "nerd alert" is my catchphrase. So, to the gents who claimed it as their own in their Emmy acceptance speech last night, I have one thing to say... NERD THIEVES!!!

Beatle Hunter

The guy on the left is Sir Paul McCartney, marrier of one-legged women. The guy on the right is Michael Cimino, genius-nutso director of Deer Hunter. One of my friends thinks Michael looks more like Yoko Ono, but really, hasn't Yoko taken enough away from Paul? I'd hate to let her win the "Michael Cimino Look-a-like" contest as well.  

Lo and Behold... Jesus!

Ever wonder what would happen if John Stamos and Lo Bosworth (God forbid she ever reproduces) had a baby?

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They'd get Madonna's toy-boy, Jesus Luz! 

Slap Happy... NOT!

Remember that grumpy old child slapper from last week? Well, I've found the man who will star in the made-for-TV-movie about his life - Tom Wilkinson! The esteemed British actor will no doubt jump at the chance to make a Lifetime movie about the monster from Atlanta. 

All We Hear is Ladio Gaga

...Ladio Googoo, Ladio Gaga. I could do the whole song, but I won't. Orrr, maybe I will...  Ladio, what's new? Ladio, sommmmme-onnnne still lovvvvvvves you! Anyhow, doesn't Lady Gaga look like the unholy byproduct of Donatella Versace and her daughter, Allegra?   

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And what was up with all her disturbing outfits at the MTV Awards? I have no idea what the blood was supposed to symbolize... is she getting all Jesus-y on us like late 80s Madonna? I sure hope so. 

New York Stories Part 3

When you are a face detective, sobriety is your friend. So, after a few pints at an Irish pub, I was convinced my waitress looked exactly like Victoria Secret model, Adriana Lima. But in the sober light of day, turns out, she looks exactly like actress Michelle Monaghan with a hint of Adriana. Anyway you slice it, she hit the genetic jackpot. 

Curb Your Former Short-Long

What do Larry David and Michael Bolton have in common? An assholian smirk, of course.

A couple of interesting facts you probably didn't know about Michael Bolton. He was once in a heavy metal band that toured with Ozzy Osbourne!!! Also, he tricked mega hottie Ashley Judd into dating him (when his hair was still LONG!!!).

That's Right, Pumpkin!

Poor Mary Kate Olsen cannot catch a break. Remember when everyone was concerned with her incredible shrinking self? Well now everyone's concerned with her rapid weight gain. I, however, am more concerned with her unexpected morph into Kelly Bundy from Married with Children. Although it's better than her Ozzy Osbourne phase. Slightly. 

Of Buttknockers and Bungholes

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you look like Gary Sinise.

Butthead: That's not funny, dumbass. You look like Gary Sinise.

Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh, Gary Sinise.

Butt-head: Shut up. Gary Sinise is your dad.

During a rousing game of "who would you rather makeout with...", Gary Sinise's name came up and I had such a knee-jerk "NO F-in WAY" reaction because he looks like Beavis and Butt-head. Both, you say? How is that possible? Easy. Either Mike Judge watched Of Mice and Men one too many times. Orrrrrr, Mike Judge watched Forrest Gump and built a time machine to create B&B in Lt. Dan's likeness. 

Christofurrrrrrrrrrrr

If you ever wanted to date Christopher Moltisanti from The Sopranos but were turned off by his heroine-injecting, girlfriend-murdering, hot headed ways, may I suggest a quick trip to Employees Only in Manhattan to meet Pakistani Michael Imperlioli. He is smart, charming and more than willing to pose as his Italian alter ego.*

*This guy was one of the best FD models ever! He literally ran the entire emotional gamut for me with Christofurrr poses. Bless him.

Is this the face of a child slapper?

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! VERY MUCH SO!

This Atlanta man is accused of slapping a two year old in Walmart. The man (who doesn't know the kid) told the mother: "If you don't shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you." And he did! Although I highly doubt he called the toddler a "baby", I think the mom added that in for sympathy. Let this be a lesson to everyone who's ever wanted to silence a screaming child. For the love of God - SMILE for the camera after you do it. On a lighter note, looks like the Grumpy Old Men franchise just got a breath of fresh air.

The Real Mouse-Wives of New York City

Ramona Singer (below) is one of the stars of the Real Housewives of New York City and she done got the crazy eyes. She's also a cross between Kathie Lee and Britney. So there's plenty of crazy to spread around. 

Aaaaaand she has a total mouse face. 

Sartorial Twinsies: Part Four

As always, the Sartorialist impostors on the left, real celebs on the right. 

Hair-on Eckhart: Meet Aaron Eckhart's Euro-Twin. He says things like: "But there is only room for three of Papa's mistresses at the funeral" and "Pass the nutella". 

Scarf Wars: Just when you thought Hayden Christensen couldn't look any gayer, along comes his dandy doppelganger in a french scarf and nutty glasses. 

New York Stories... And Faces

Similarly to the Sartorialist, I move from city to city photographing the common man and finding their face twins. This week I'm in NYC and my face cup runneth over. First stop, this handsome chap who I mistook for Ryan Gosling* standing outside Pianos. If I was him, I'd be sneaking into Rachel McAdams' bed to see if she can tell the difference.

*He also has hints of Jason Segel and flecks of David Arquette.