Smurf-tastic!

I am a Smurf purist. Almost to the point where I would prefer to watch it in french. No, not really. But I did hate the nouveau Smurf gang that consisted of Sassette (who does she think she is? Laura Smurfin' Ingalls?), Grandpa Smurf and the mute Wild Smurf (more like "Retard Smurf", just kidding, people who can't talk aren't retarded...). Anyway, I just recently realized that Jokey Smurf is really just "Terrorist Smurf" or "Ted Kaczynski Smurf". Think about it - all Jokey did was give his friends explosive "presents". And how dumb were the rest of the Smurfs for falling for it time after time? 

My brother got a Baker Smurf figurine on his birthday cake one year and I was really, really jealous. I used to hide it in his AT-AT along with my Barbies to keep the Imperial stormtroopers company. My mother deemed this pairing "unsuitable". 

Here's a Story, of a Lovely Douche-Bag

Seth McFarlane is obviously funny, but he's also a douche-bag and possibly a "date take-advantage-ist" (see, I didn't say "date rapist"). There is definitely something about his smarmy five o'clock shadow that reeks of bad boy badness but it also reeks of grown-up Peter Brady. Blech, but oddly sexy.

S-Mc also looks a little like Chip from Kate and Allie. That show depressed me when I was kid. I can't tell whether it was because of their broken homes or because the red-headed teen was so much less pretty than the brunette teen. Probably the latter. I am shallow. And empathetic.

Gummi Bears... Bouncing Here and There and Everywhere!

Does anyone remember what the Gummi Bears actually did? Besides being "dashing and daring, courageous and caring" and drinking amphetamine laced gummi-berry juice?

Sunni Gummi: Someone in the cartoon biz sure had a hard-on for Sandy Duncan because there are several doppelgangers of this perma-perkster floating around the 80s Saturday morning lineup. 

Grammi Gummi:  "Want a gummy bear? They've been in my pocket all day. They're real warm and soft..." Remember the devoted and totally spastic secretary from Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Well, Edie McClurg also played the devoted and totally spastic next-door-neighbour (alongside Miss Sandy Ducnan) in Valerie's Family. She is also the poor man's Mrs. Garrett. 

Of Buttknockers and Bungholes

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you look like Gary Sinise.

Butthead: That's not funny, dumbass. You look like Gary Sinise.

Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh, Gary Sinise.

Butt-head: Shut up. Gary Sinise is your dad.

During a rousing game of "who would you rather makeout with...", Gary Sinise's name came up and I had such a knee-jerk "NO F-in WAY" reaction because he looks like Beavis and Butt-head. Both, you say? How is that possible? Easy. Either Mike Judge watched Of Mice and Men one too many times. Orrrrrr, Mike Judge watched Forrest Gump and built a time machine to create B&B in Lt. Dan's likeness. 

C.O.P.S. - Bad Guys Edition - Part I

C.O.P.S. was a great after-school cartoon. There were clearly defined good guys v. bad guys (Ratzinger would approve) and I'm almost positive the voice of City TV does the theme song. A few posts back, I cast Big Boss so I'll move right along to the rest of the crew. 

Rock Krusher: This beefy monster will be played by his human counterpart, football star turned "actor", Vinne Jones. Or as I like to call him, "Scene Krusher". 

Beserko: I had a tough time choosing between Dolph Lundgren and Gary Busey. But as the wiki page insists, Beserko's defining feature is: "his gross incompetence and overall stupidity", so I went with Dolph. 

Miss Demeanor: When my nine year old self figured out her name was a play on "misdemeanor", I was BLOWN AWAY by the cleverness. Wiki describes M.D. as having "an ugly looking face like a witch" (whoa, someone has an issue with strong women) and while I don't think this description is true of Illeana Douglas, there is no denying their twinship. 

Sartorial Twinsies: Part Tres

The Da Vinci Cloak: My only quesiton is - why don't more women dress like murderous albinos? And no, this isn't Martha Plimpton in hooded garb, it's just some Germanic chick from The Sartorialist. 

Mumm-ra Rides Again: This one's going out to all the Thundercats fans... What would happen if you spackled some flesh onto Mumm-ra's face and added Ozzy's hair? 

Behold, Mumm-zy ! The ozzspring (ha!) of Ozzy and Mumm-ra! 

A-rrroooo! Teen-Wolves of America

Remember Teen Wolf the cartoon series? You better... (as I shake my fist menacingly at the computer). It was based on the 80s movie starring Michael J. Fox about a teen (Scott Howard) struggling to fit "in" with the "in crowd" alls-the-while hiding his werewolfishness. My fave character was Scott's best friend, Stiles, who thought he was fast with the ladies and cool with the lines, when he totally wasn't. Stiles is also twins with the Apple geek, coincidence? NOT!

Basketball Boots

I can't decide whether it's Jose Calderone's joyous readiness to throw his hands in the air or his googly eyes that make him a dead ringer for...

Dora the Explorer's very own Watson, Boots!

And because I don't watch sports, this long lost twinsie connection would never have been made without my friend Shelley's exposure to Toronto basketball and animated sidekicks. 

Not-so-Gentle Ben

On the left is my awesome friend Ben. On the right is the actor Eric Balfour. These two share the same bone structure and lanky frame and that's about it. Here are their main differences...

(1) Eric can shoot Chach juice out of his tiny soul patch. Ben's partial beard has no known powers.

(2) Eric is really good at playing drug addicted toe-lovers (Six Feet Under) and fiance-beaters (The O.C.). Ben has no fiance. 

(3) Eric will definitely play Waluigi (Luigi's evil counterpart) in the next live action Super Mario Bros. movie.  Ben can't act. 

Carl-melized Candy

What do you think would happen if I stood in front of a mirror and repeated Carl from The Simpsons name five times? Let's see, shall we? "Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl!"

Oh, God! What have I done? Sweet Mother of Moses, it's...

...CANDYMAN!!!!!!

Th-th-th-th-that's all Canada

Poor John Tory. A failed mayoral campaign, a failed bid to be premier. The guy couldn't even win a seat in Haliburton. But take heart JT, the Face Detectives have stumbled across one contest you just can't lose: man who looks most like...

...Porky Pig. Congrats Mr. Tory. You've got our vote!

Clickety Click: The Ultimate Barba Trick

Alright Barbapapa, you've had your fun and now it's time to 'fess up to moonlighting as Grimace from the McDonaldland gang. I know you got all those Barbababies to feed and Lord knows Barbamama's hair flowers aren't gonna buy themselves, but enough is enough. Quit using your shape shifting gift for ill gotten gains and start doing something worthwhile, like impersonating Angelina Jolie so you can seamlessly slink into Brad Pitt's bed at night. 

Surfer Dude v. Coaster Dude

If you've ever been in a bar, you've probably stared at this dude's face on a beer coaster. But have you ever noticed how much Mr. Wellington Brewery Man looks like Matthew McConaughey in Amistad? Sorry Mr. Wellington Brewery Man.