Gargamel Twinsy

A friend recently pointed out how much John Lithgow and Gargamel look a like. And I'd have to agree. There's the maniacal superiority complex they both share. Never mind the fact that behind closed doors, Lithgow likes wearing black dresses and creating duplicitous female Smurfs (are there any other kind?) in bubbling caldrons. 

I never forgave Lithgow for beating out Jerry Seinfeld and Gary Shandling for the Emmy b/c Third Rock from the Sun was vastly inferior. Other undeserving bastards who won Emmys? I'm looking at you Tony Shalhoub and Michael Chiklis.

Sartorialist: Sexy Victims Unit

Doesn't this dude look exactly like a less intense, more stylish Christopher Meloni? I think so...

She's Got Cougar Davis Eyes

Remember Drew Carey's girlfriend on the dreaded Drew Carey Show? Remember how cute as a button she was? Well now Christa Miller is on the Courteney Cox show, Cougar Town, and man has she made a mess of her face. Her eyes, nose and Joan Rivers Cheek Implants look ridiculous.

Swallowed in the C. Elliott

If you think the only things Chris Elliott and Chris Martin share is a first name and a first-name-for-a-last-name, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. They also share a face. 

Smurf-tastic!

I am a Smurf purist. Almost to the point where I would prefer to watch it in french. No, not really. But I did hate the nouveau Smurf gang that consisted of Sassette (who does she think she is? Laura Smurfin' Ingalls?), Grandpa Smurf and the mute Wild Smurf (more like "Retard Smurf", just kidding, people who can't talk aren't retarded...). Anyway, I just recently realized that Jokey Smurf is really just "Terrorist Smurf" or "Ted Kaczynski Smurf". Think about it - all Jokey did was give his friends explosive "presents". And how dumb were the rest of the Smurfs for falling for it time after time? 

My brother got a Baker Smurf figurine on his birthday cake one year and I was really, really jealous. I used to hide it in his AT-AT along with my Barbies to keep the Imperial stormtroopers company. My mother deemed this pairing "unsuitable". 

Gansta's Embarra-dise

I'm pretty sure Joe Jackson and Coolio go to the same moustache-sculptor, but I really wish they went to the same hat-maker.  

Best. Use of a Dinosaur. Ever!

OM to the G! The synopsis for Whoopi Goldberg's 1995 movie, Theodore Rex is: "A wise-cracking police officer is forced to team up with her new partner, a sixty-five million year-old talking Tyrannosaurus Rex!" I haven't seen this movie, but if there is a god in heaven, there'll be some sort of inter-species May-December romance. By the looks of things, somebody had a mortgage to pay (of course, I'm talking about T-Rex - what's Whoopi's excuse? Ted Danson just dumped her? She was jealous of Rosie O'Donnell's sassy leather jumpsuit in Exit to Eden and was just gagging for one? She actually thought her co-star was gonna be Teddy Ruxpin?).

Please Note the following: 

1) Theodore Rex is wearing six pairs of converse. Oh yeah, 'cause in the future they don't make high-tops big enough to fit a sixty-five million year old dinosaur! Do I look like I was born yesterday?

2) Why is Theodore Rex only six inches taller than Whoopi? 

3) Rest assured Obama, even in the future, powerful men wear mom jeans.  

4) This post really has nothing to do with Barney, but I needed some justification for chatting about the movie poster. Which you can see here in its full glory. 

Anon Amazon Reviewer: "Watching this film sober - and even under the influence - is like giving birth out of your ear while simultaneously having a stroke, getting a root canal, and walking in on your parents having sex. In your bed. And as you walk in on them, you step on a rake and it hits you in the face and drives a splinter into your eye."  Best review ever? Yup.   

Man in the Sonogram

Continuing the trend of seeing Michael Jackson's image everywhere, an 18-year-old British woman was shocked to see MJ's likeness in her baby's sonogram. Really? Shocked?! I think we all know he liked 'em young. So is sneaking into someone's uterus really that much of a stretch?

What I find most shocking is that she thinks it looks like Michael Jackson, when it clearly resembles Ronald McDonald (another known child-appreciator) or... 

... Pennywise, the clown from It  (yup, he's also a child-lurer). 

Is there a trend here? Nah. 

Foxy Knoxy Jolie-Platt

FINALLY! Evidence of the Jolie-Pitt twins existence. Brad and Ange flew to Jordan for ice cream or something and they unveiled lil' Knox and Vivienne for the third time. And I have a pretty good hunch as to why the twins have been kept so underwraps - Knox looks suspiciously like Oliver Platt! BUSTED, Angie! You totally did it with old Hubba-Hubba Platt. And who can blame you? You are, despite much evidence to the contrary, only human. 

Fleetwood Gorg!

The Fleetwood Mac concert in March was awesome. The only part that was a little scary (besides the embarrassing middle-aged-chair-dancing I was doing) was Mick Fleetwood's crazy eyes. He insists on doing them as he drums - which is frightening but also amazing because it makes him twins with "Junior" from Fraggle Rock. 

BTW, in my fully educated opinion, Fleetwood Mac's best song is "I Know I'm Not Wrong" off Tusk. 

It's Time to Play the Music, It's Time to Get Absurdly Huge Lips...

What the ding dong is going on with Lindsay Lohan's mouth? She looks absolutely ridiculous.

Lots of people think Janice from The Muppet Show looks like Donatella Versace, but I prefer LL's likeness.

 

Update: Whoa! Alert the MacKenzie Phillip's Society! Lindsay's dad just gave an interview to Radar which sounds extremely creepola: "When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way - in a bad way." Ew! I certainly got chills and yes, they're multiplying and I'm loooooooosing control. No, not really. Yes to the chills, no to the losing control. 

Here's a Story, of a Lovely Douche-Bag

Seth McFarlane is obviously funny, but he's also a douche-bag and possibly a "date take-advantage-ist" (see, I didn't say "date rapist"). There is definitely something about his smarmy five o'clock shadow that reeks of bad boy badness but it also reeks of grown-up Peter Brady. Blech, but oddly sexy.

S-Mc also looks a little like Chip from Kate and Allie. That show depressed me when I was kid. I can't tell whether it was because of their broken homes or because the red-headed teen was so much less pretty than the brunette teen. Probably the latter. I am shallow. And empathetic.